I grew up under tremendous suppression. I knew something was amiss but couldn’t identify it. My relationships were painful. I went through life not being seen or heard and suffering in silence until it all came crashing down.
Because of that experience I spent a great deal of my life focused on healing only to discover the truth years later. The alienation, isolation & suffering in silence coupled with the truth that those who I believed loved me & had my best interest at heart couldn’t care less whether I lived or died caused my life to crumble in ways I could have never imagined.
I was in a place of quiet desperation where the feelings of overwhelm, sadness, grief, helplessness & betrayal lay right beneath my anger & rage. It was in this place of no money, no emotional support that I submitted completely to my experience.
In this space, spontaneously painful experiences came to memory & as they came I felt compassion for the version of me that had been through those challenges, and I promised to never again dishonor my voice, my feelings & my thoughts.
Getting a BA in Psychology didn’t prepare me for anything that could help me or anyone else and I was determined to heal & help others do the same.
It has been a long and arduous journey. A very painful one in which I almost lost my way, had it not been for a Universal Course Correction we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Everything about my Course Correction was mystical and on the physical level appeared to be opposite to everything happening in the Cosmic Realm.
I was in danger of aborting my Advanced Directive (soul’s purpose) and I had no idea that in the Cosmic Realm contingency plans had already been put in place in the event I was unable to awaken.
I entered this world with an assignment I no longer had any memory of. I chose to come through a mother violently opposed to my presence. I experienced having no voice, not being seen or heard, absolutely no sense of self, the only thing that was constant was my love for god, the cosmos and my mystical experiences which I kept to myself. I grew up in a home that on the outside appeared orderly, disciplined and religious. It was my normal. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to not be able to express an opinion, pleasure or displeasure, or make a decision for myself. Emotionally and mentally I was not allowed expression. I experienced complete suppression and repeated public humiliation as a child.
I knew something was terribly wrong when I entered my first marriage and faced a darkness that on this earth could only be understood as evil by most people. Whenever he would get angry his eyes would change and all I could see was 2 pools of darkness…he wasn’t there, it was just an abyss and I could never reach him in that state.
I only felt fear. Fear for my life. I had no idea that I had been born into that level of darkness, it was part of my assignment…my level of deception was just as deep as the abyss I saw in his eyes. My deception was so complete I looked at those closest to me and saw only light because they didn’t outwardly express the violence I experienced in my first marriage. Energetically it was the same. When the violence was obvious I feared for my physical safety. When it was shaded I felt like I was dying inside.
When I finally could SEE the truth, the impact was so emotionally devastating I didn’t think I could survive. I had given my all to my spiritual walk and was committed to getting to the other side of my experience. Everything I believed to be true was a lie. To discover the betrayal of believing the ones closest to me who I thought loved me had only my destruction in mind was the closest thing to soul shattering I experienced. How could I be so deceived? This was years after being on spiritual journey to free myself of mental and emotional chains that kept me locked in a dance of mediocrity.
I had no idea the battle I was fighting was to regain control of my mind and a sense of self. I didn’t know I was fighting to reclaim lost parts of myself. Disowned parts of my being that allowed me to believe others had more power over me to control the circumstances in my life than I had. I never understood why I felt so helpless when it came to taking the initiative to move forward and change my life.
In that place of submission, I discovered what it meant to be my own best friend. I discovered that when I listened to my anger, rage and disappointment it began to go away and leave me with wisdom I didn’t know was there. It moved and made itself available for me to use in ways that created openings instead of walls. I discovered that my open heart, opened doors. My emotions that had held me locked in a dance of mediocrity were the very key to the doors I wanted to open.
I discovered when I listened to my heart, the universe leaned in and drew people who could hear and appreciate my voice. I was willing to bear the accusations of betrayal and not betray my own soul, as Oriah Mountain Dreamer so eloquently put it in her poem, The Invitation. My journey took me into places I would have never ventured had my life, as I knew it, not been shattered. In the space of compassion for my pain The Sacred Spaces Movement was born and now I am committed to liberating your voices and being part of the solution that returns justice to Planet Earth.